Psst.

It's been so long, that I don't really know what to say.

I'm on a plane back from New York, to San Diego.

I found used copies of Joni Mitchell's Blue and Cat Steven's Greatest Hits at a record store in St. Marks. The owner told me he wasn't chastising me for not putting the booklet back in the CD case properly. He told me he wasn't chastising me at all. He also told me he wasn't telling me what I was doing wrong.

I also bought a straw fedora.

I feel funny writing in this blog after such a long pause. I feel like I'm talking to much about Me. Me. Me. I guess that's the point?

I'm getting another tattoo(s) as soon as I get back. And I'm thinking about re-piercing my eyebrow. So what?

My mom and I shared a cab with a French couple on their way back to Paris after a week in New York. I felt inferior.

I had a dirty gin martini with every dinner. This was supposed to make me feel better about not having any Spirits after dinner. I didn't feel better.

I just got a new penpal. He's in Kenya. (Sorry Justin)

My mom kept asking me when and why I stopped wearing bras. I never answered her questions. I just tried to give her knowing smiles. Then she kept calling me Liberal.

I went to a bar by myself on 51st and 8th, ordered a beer, and wrote in my journal. The Irish bartender asked me if I was writing a book. I said absolutely.

Grown men kept asking my mom if we were sisters. I kept wondering when the young men would ask me if I was single.

People really know what they're doing with clothes in New York.

3.5 more hours on this plane. I really wish I had brought a book.

Well, I haven't left yet. I just wanted to say rest in peace, JD Salinger.

So I'll just go ahead and say it. I was happy with where I was and what I was doing about a week ago. And then, just like that, I went home to eat lunch with my parents and it was completely dissolved. Happiness, gone. How does that happen? When I was younger, I would spend all of my energy not caring about my parents' opinions. When did that change?

I really tried hard to overcome this post-college shit-storm the past few months. Most of the time, I was depressed, but numbed it with stuff. In the past month and a half though, I felt that I had found my footing. I was practicing yoga, baking at work, going to bed by 10 and waking up by 5. I had started to read and write. I could wear my beloved skinny blacks again. I was feeling pretty good. And then all of a sudden. Shitstorm. Sunday. The day I spent in LA, the day that was supposed to be a golden escape from all things San Diego. And there literally was a storm. That probably was a contributing factor. I hadn't done yoga that day, and I ate shit food to make myself feel better, which I hadn't done in a long time, and that made me feel even worse, and I spent the entire day in my head, asking myself over and over again if I was actually a dumb person. If I was actually dumb as a stump, if I would actually go anywhere in life, if I really, truly, knew what I wanted to do in life. If I could even accomplish anything. Not going to yoga that day didn't help at all of course, because I was irrationally asking myself since I hadn't gone that day, how many more days would I skip until I eventually would just quit, like I did with everything else? And the usual conversation would take place in my head: Okay, start with the things I like. What do I like to do? Hell if I know. I kind of like yoga right now, but even that is hard to like most days. I guess I like baking, but do I like it enough to get myself in $50,000 of debt? I mean, I guess I like writing. But do I feel like I would die without it? Am I actually passionate about anything? Am I just a fraud? I actually have no interests. I am actually a stupid, mediocre, good-for-nothing. I have failed and I am only 24. I have no direction, I have no passion, I have nothing. Nothing that I wish I had. I am mediocre. What the fuck am I still doing here? Maybe I'll die young. Maybe I'm only here for a little while longer.

And it went on and on like that for a while.

It's also disturbing to me that I have trouble talking to people about the things that I'm feeling, but I have no problem writing about it on my blog and publishing it for the world, well the few that know about my blog, to see. Maybe it isn't disturbing in this day and age. A blog is a personal space, anyway. Personal and public, just like conversations are. And since not many of you know about this blog, it's like a conversation, right?

Anyway, I spent the day yesterday researching and planning culinary school. It ultimately is what I want to do after all. There's a reason why I've been working in cafes as long as I have. I'm actually good at it. And I actually enjoy it most of the time. I can't imagine myself working in a cubicle. I couldn't even handle a receptionist job for longer than a week. I felt that I would literally wither up and die, or develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, if I stuck around that godforsaken place. To that end, I guess I'm pretty passionate. I know I'm really passionate about things I hate. But what about the things I like? Hell if I know. Mandy wrote a blog post recently about being able to identify problems real well and not knowing how to go about fixing them. I feel the same exact way.

I've been reading some of my old journal entries, and three years ago, I wrote a letter to a friend asking him to tell me who I am because I had no idea. I feel like I'm in the same place.

If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I am not an academic. So grad school is out of the picture for sure. It would just be a waste of money, just like a four-year college was for me. Literature/writing, what a joke. I started paying off my loans this month, and I wonder if any post-college graduate is as depressed as I am for paying off an education that I feel like I could've acquired just by spending 8 hours in a public library every goddamn day. There were gems in the four years, certainly, but a couple thousand dollars worth of gems?

Well, it looks like I'm going to New York in March, at the very least, to figure out if the rest of my life will revolve around all things culinary.

I have so much to figure out. Shit.

And I just made a batter for a loaf of bread. That's right, batter. So it can't be as hard as making actual bread, which I'm actually afraid of. And the dough isn't rising. It's been three hours, and I'm pretty sure I killed the yeast. If that's really true, I'll really be depressed. What is wrong with me.

Currently:

Quiet Friday

That's what today was. And so the quiet Friday concluded with a quiet dinner, a mushroom bourguignon, complete with portobellos, red wine, and some french batard with gouda. Inspiration? This month's Vogue. I was reading it while N got his hair cut at Terra, the new favorite salon in San Diego. This month's Vogue was strange. Have you read it yet? It's Indie. Weird. I felt like it was geared towards an audience much younger than its usual target: the 20s. There's always some stuff for the 20-year-olds, but this month felt like it was all about the 20-year-olds. Spreads of the Horrors in Givenchy , MGMT, and a small picture of Beirut. There was also a feature on Rachel McAdams, which was strange because, she was news years back. But she's back, and apparently she likes to cook and spend time by herself. The whole thing was very, Indie.

So I got a craving for some good cooking. Last night was Tomato Soup, but it was a mash-up of stuff that I'm familiar with. I could've really challenged myself with Beef Bourguignon, but who am I kidding. That I can tackle on another night, now that I've done it with portobello mushrooms. This dish is delicious, though I can imagine it being taken to another level with the substitution of Beef over mushroom. And RC, I know what N got you for Christmas. I better be seeing some pictures of Beef Bourguignon real soon!

So here are some pictures, and I can share the recipe with you too, since I have it right in front of me.

2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons butter, softened
2 pounds portobello mushrooms, in 1/4-inch slices
1/2 carrot, finely diced
1 small yellow onion, finely diced
2 cloves garlic, minced (though I always use triple the amount of garlic that a recipe calls for)
1 cup full-bodied red wine
2 cups beef broth
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 teaspoon fresh thyme leaves
1 1/2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 cup pearl onions, peeled (still whole)
Egg noodles, for serving
Sour cream and chopped chives or parsley, for garnish

Heat the one tablespoon of the olive oil and one tablespoon of butter in a medium Dutch oven or heavy sauce pan over high heat. Sear the mushrooms until they begin to darken, but not yet release any liquid — about three or four minutes. Remove them from pan.

Lower the flame to medium and add the second tablespoon of olive oil. Toss the carrots, onions, thyme, a few good pinches of salt and a several grinds of black pepper into the pan and cook for 10, stirring occasionally, until the onions are lightly browned. Add the garlic and cook for just one more minute.

Add the wine to the pot, scraping any stuck bits off the bottom, then turn the heat all the way up and reduce it by half. Stir in the tomato paste and the broth. Add back the mushrooms with any juices that have collected and once the liquid has boiled, reduce the temperature so it simmers for 20 minutes, or until mushrooms are very tender. Add the pearl onions and simmer for five minutes more.

Combine remaining butter and the flour with a fork until combined; stir it into the stew. Lower the heat and simmer for 10 more minutes. If the sauce is too thin, boil it down to reduce to the right consistency. Season to taste.

To serve, spoon the stew over a bowl of egg noodles, dollop with sour cream (optional) and sprinkle with chives or parsley.

Oh, have you met my friend? She's wonderful. A real beaut.

Day Off

Well, if crawling back into bed at 7 in the morning with my hair smelling like scones counts, then today constitutes as a day off.

Today was the kind of day you spend walking around 5th Ave in San Diego. 5th Ave, Hillcrest, San Diego. Not really 5th Ave at all.

And now I'm in my bathrobe, listening to Joni Mitchell, singing Both Sides Now at the top of my lungs in an empty apartment, and stirring tomato soup on the stove. I really would share the recipe with you, but I don't even really know how I make it. It just sort of, comes together. Well, I'll give you the ingredients and you can have some fun with it:

Tomato-Basil-Paprika Soup
Tomatoes (I usually use about 6 large hot-house tomatoes)
Onion (1 Yellow Jumbo)
Green Bell Pepper (1 usually)
Red Bell Peppers (2 large ones)
Garlic (I use an entire cluster most times...)
Carrots (Optional. As many carrots as you see fit)
Basil (Ballpark, again)
Paprika (I like Pimento, which is a smoked paprika, but normal works too)
Lemon (only if you have it on hand)
Pepper
Salt
Cumin
Soymilk
And whatever other herb you'd like to throw in there, except for the obvious, maybe not rosemary, y'know?

Saute the hard veggies, like the onion, bell peppers, carrots, in olive oil until they get soft. I add salt when I'm doing this, but you can always add salt later. Cut crosses on the bottom of the tomatoes, boil some water, stick em in, and let them boil just for a minute or two. Dump the tomatoes in an ice bath and proceed to peel the skins off them. Chop up the tomatoes, toss them in the veggie mix with the garlic, and smash up the tomatoes softly as you stir. I just let this simmer for a little while, maybe 15-20 minutes, then turn the stove off. Then add the basil, pepper, cumin, etc herbs, and stir. Then put the soup in a blender, in batches, and carefully let it whirl. I say carefully because it's not fun when there's a hot explosion in your kitchen because the blender was on too high and the soup was too hot. Just puree until you think it's smooth enough, or chunky enough. When you're done blending the soup, stir in the soymilk (you don't have to put it over heat or anything). You can taste and stir in more salt if need be. And eat!

Well, that was fun. And for some reason it seems utterly pointless and rambling. Just come over sometime and I'll make tomato soup for you. How bout that? Now I think I'll heat up some bread and have some tomato soup before calling it a night.

xoxo

i can be cruel
but let me be gentle with you

Day Thirty-One

That's right. It's the day after Thirty. And yes, I finished 30 days of Bikram yoga. Don't make me get into technicalities. It's done. But the journey isn't over. Pannikin employees definitely get half off monthly membership so I'll be doing Bikram as long as I can. But the 30-day chapter is shut. Done. Now it's down to as often as I can go, and on the other days I can have spin classes and run on the beach like normal people often do.

I just got finished reading the introduction to Infinite Jest, written by Dave Eggers, and it's one of the best introductions I have ever had the pleasure to read. It's short, unpretentious, doesn't profess that Infinite Jest is so easy to read that you gotta read it, and still makes you really want to read it.

Monday morning begins with a slice of quick from Bread and Cie, a glass of chocolate milk, and the introduction to Infinite Jest. So far, so good. Happy Monday, friends. Here's to loving life and being productive because you want to be, not because you have to be.

xoxo

Day Twenty-Five - Day Twenty-Eight

Hello! It's been, what, four days since my last post? Well, I've been keeping busy. Surprised? I kind of am. It's been a hectic past couple of days, but guess what? I've been going to yoga. It's almost Day Thirty. And I cannot believe it. It doesn't seem like it's been that difficult of a journey. I can't even remember how I felt about it in the beginning. Just the now. And I wanted to extend it to 60 days, but it looked bleak since it's another $100 that I should Not be spending on yoga. But guess what? The studio is a few blocks down from the Pannikin. And guess what else? Everyone else on the Pannikin staff has started going since I set out on this 30 day challenge. Including the jefes. Guess what else? Turns out that all the instructors at the studio come into the Pannikin almost daily. So naturally, the boss ladies are going to meet with the owner of the Bikram studio to strike up a deal between employees. How awesome is that? It looks like I'll be continuing this journey for far longer than I had imagined. And my wallet won't drown!

Anyway, nothing really new going on. Just lots of energy during the day and exhaustion right around 9pm everyday since I've been gettin' stuff done. And I'm also starting Infinite Jest. Well, started reading it. And it's going to be a commitment. Whatever.

It's 9:18 now and I think I'm tucking in. I'm not sure where the direction of this blog is going. I remember it starting out as a medium for me to post my writing. And now it's turned into daily activities, which I don't like so much. So I think it's time for reconstruction. I'm writing again, anyway.

Goodnight world. Love you-xoxo

Day Twenty-Four

Look ma, just got back from two sessions of yoga, baking scones, and I'm feelin' good. Now I'm gonna go make myself a salad, a poached egg, and sit in front of my typewriter.

Today I kept another one of my resolutions. I went to the beach. I sat in front of the ocean in between yoga classes and just relaxed for one hour. Really, I watched the waves for one hour this morning. But it made me feel so centered, so in tune with what's going on in my mind and my body. 2010 is a year for getting things done!

So peace out homes. This chick is going to get her ass in gear.

xoxo

Day Twenty-Three

Hey there, hi, hello! It's 2pm and I've just had my first meal of the day. Why's that? Well I went to yoga twice again! Doubling has become much, much easier. Granted I am still exhausted after the fact, during was much better the second time around. I am one week away from completing 30 days, but first I have to double up twice more to make up for the absences in the beginning. One week! And then 30 days more, I think. I'm pretty certain that I'm going to dedicate myself to another 30 days, making it the 60 day challenge. Wish me luck! 2 months of Bikram Yoga. Maybe 3 if the second month goes well. I already feel my muscles firming up, and my hips have been killing me because they have started opening up! I feel changes occurring in my body and my energy level has shot up. If you guys haven't tried Bikram yet, seriously do it. It might be the best thing I've ever done for myself. That being said, make sure to bring a change of clothes if you're not going straight home. I'm sitting in a soaking wet sports bra and a shirt that is slowly getting soaked through because I idiotically forgot to bring a change of bras.

Um, so I'm starting the New Year with some budgeting. Something I've never really done completely before. Wish me luck! Beginning of the months always suck because it's bill-pay time. This time though, I feel good about it.

Have a wonderful Monday!

xoxo

Day Twenty-Two

The day started off with yoga. Best way to start the day, or end the day, actually. Got that out of the way and spent the day with N, grocery shopping and doing menial chores. Best way to start the new year, I think. Had a nice home-cooked dinner, and now going to tuck in with a nice movie. Nightmare Before Christmas, I think. Best way to end the night. Not much to report, friends. Just lots of love, washed veggies, and yoga.

Big love, xoxo

Day Twenty - Twenty-One

Well, I've been slacking. But to be fair, it's been a hectic two days. With the onset of the New Year and New Year's resolutions in full swing, my head has been spinning with room to rest only at night, coincidentally the same time when I update the blog. Yoga yesterday and today left my groin kind of aching. I think I pulled a muscle or something. Should ask about that tomorrow. Though I'm expecting Colleen to just tell me that I need to do more yoga to fix it. It's what my old swim coach used to say about everything.

One of my resolutions is to walk on the beach everyday. Since I'm doing yoga everyday in downtown La Jolla, and working everyday in downtown La Jolla, I really have no excuse. Besides, it'll make good research for the thing that I'm writing. I joked around about writing a bestselling novel, but I'm only half-serious. I really am working on a new piece of work, and I'm committing to it 100%, going into it like it's going to turn into something huge. And I've resolved to spend non-Pannikin hours as writing hours, which basically turns to working hours. If I have days off from the Panni, I should be spending 8 hours writing, because right now, this is my occupation. I'm resolved to not end up just being a barista/baker right now. I want to be a writer, because that's what I started out as and completely dropped one day. So, these are just some of my resolutions. How about yours?

N is coming back to San Diego today and can you tell I'm jittery? It's nice to feel excited to see somebody again. Even if it's only been 2 weeks... RC are you coming down to San Diego or what?

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, friends. And next week, I will have finished my 30 day quest. Which might be extended to 60 days if all goes well... Or 90 days if all goes even better.

Good night, sweet dreams, from the middle of the well, xoxo